Bonzo

So my girlfriend and I are invited to the house of one of her co workers for dinner. I've met her and her husband and they totally rock so I'm looking forward to it.

We walk in the door and are greeted by Bonzo, the worlds largest dog. Seriously, this dog is HUGE. Imagine a dog the size of a car. Now imagine that dog being eaten in one bite by Bonzo. We're talking big. He growls at me, then barks. Standard doggie way of saying "Company's here!" but this dog makes me nervous. I stand 5 feet and 11 inches, and this dog, on all 4 legs, looks me dead in the throat. (gulp) I say "Nice doggie" and wonder if my double chin will protect my windpipe long enuff for me to confess my sins. Probably not, there's a lot of sin to confess, and anyway, "pornography afficionado" takes a loooong time to say.

He's sent out of the room by his masters, and we settle down for some conversation, then move to the kitchen for dinner. Bonzos dish is there, along with Bonzo, and we're all eating dinner at the same time. Bonzo finishes first and he doesn't look full. I THINK he's eyeing my plate, but I'm not totally sure, and what if he's just trying to fool me? I decide to play it smart and I offer him some yum yums. He quickly becomes VERY friendly towards me, and just as I'm thinking I may be safe once his appetite is satisfied, he decides to satisfy a DIFFERENT appetite, and before I know it, I'm the object of a dogs affection.

Or at least my leg is. Now, this isn't the first time this has happened, apparently my leg looks a lot like a bitches ass, but it is the first time it's been with a dog big enuff to make me worry about a messy breakup. But the breakup isn't the only messy possibility here, so I try to pull my leg away. Bonzo's every bit as strong as he looks tho, and he growls again, so I decide to ask for help.

Only to hear them laughingly say "He LOVES you!"

He loves me. Well, now. I gotta say I'm a bit relieved. Because, while we may hurt the ones we love, we rarely EAT them. On the other hand, while I love Bonzo, I'm not IN love with him, and so I'm a bit uncomfortable with the present level of intimacy.

Besides, it could be awkward, socially speaking. For one thing, what if my woman considers this cheating? Sure, it's only a leg, but it's in a compromising position and women have got way upset over that, even when it's a much smaller apendage. For another, what if Bonzo wants more than a one time fling? That could be wierd. I'd say no, of course, (I'm holding out for a dog with a 2 story doghouse) but you HAVE to offer to be friends in this situation, and he'd probably take advantage of that to keep trying. You know, have me over to hang out at the water bowl with the gang ("have a couple of drinks, sniff a few asses, it'll be fun!") but then he'd brag about licking himself (dogs are SO talented) start with the jokes about who invented THAT position, and eventually...he'd be trying to lift a leg.

Anyway, since my hosts aren't going to be helpful, I have to take matters into my own hands. (speaking metaphorically, I DO assure you) and so, distracting Bonzo with one slightly used steak, I take back possession of one slightly used leg. Bonzo thinks it over, then, after a last "what if" look at my leg, he decides to be satisfied with the meat.

Over the course of the night, thanx to Bonzo's generosity of spirit, his affectionate disposition and my own skill at ear scratching we become the best of friends, and Bonzo agreed to put his romantic disappointment behind him. And, with the exception of some crotch sniffing, and one quickly aborted attempt (other leg, this dog really spreads it around!) he is on his best behavior. I'm not sure I trust him, but I told him to call me.

But if, on a moonlit nite, you hear a howl....take a message.